Why Brangelina is the Scariest Thing to Happen to Long Island Since the Amityville Horror

It began at around 9 a.m. on April 19th, 2009 when I got a text from my friend that read "OMG! Brad and Angelina were at the Oyster Bay Stop and Shop! That's right near you, did you see them?!"
No, I had not see them, nor did I have any interest in seeing them. I'm not really the type to go nutso over celebrities of any sort and I certainly don't understand the fascination with the Paris Hiltons and Brangelinas of the world. Apparently the rest of the world, or at least the rest of Long Island, doesn't feel the same. Starting with that fateful trip to Stop and Shop, it suddenly seemed as if all of Long Island had Brangelina Fever.
That text message proved to be nothing in comparison to the barrage of Brangelina-related questions, comments, and incidents I had hurled at me over the next few weeks. The magazine racks quickly became packed with tabloids featuring Brad and Angelina in Oyster Bay, Long Island on the cover and contained riveting stories and photos of Brad and Angelina's OB house, Brad and Angelina at Stop and Shop in OB, Brad and Angelina at CVS in OB, Brad and Angelina out for a family stroll in OB. Think about this for a second; a magazine was taking terrible Kodak disposable camera pictures of completely average people doing completely average things and making millions off of it because these very average people just so happen to be famous. Well, as a Long Islander I thought that most of Long Island would be brought to their senses by the fact that if these things were taking place in their normal, everyday home-sweet-homes, it couldn't really be that big of deal. Naturally, I was wrong. The tabloids flew off the racks throughout Long Island, including where I, and Brangelina live, Oyster Bay. After the magazines alerted absolutely everyone who saw them that the world's biggest celebrities were in town, the topic became unavoidable. At least three times a day I would be asked by random people who I never really talked to if I had seen Brangelina, what were Brad and Angelina like, what did the Jolie-Pitt household like to do on weekends, had I ever partied with Brangelina? There were internet articles popping up everywhere claiming that Oyster Bay was causing some sort of a split between the two because Angelina was involved with Oyster Bay men and that Oyster Bay mothers who usually "schlepped" around in sweatpants were now glamming themselves up for Brad Pitt (this is absolutely insane by the way, because Oyster Bay is the land of MILFs, Botox parties and mansions starting at no less than one million. If things around here got anymore "glammed up", we'd be in Bel Aire).
One day as I walked through town with my friend, venting about the pandemonium that had apparently hit our town, we noticed that there was some sort of filming process on what I later found out was the set for a TV show, which neither Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie were cast in.
"Wonder if Brad and Angelina are there," I joked.
Before we knew it, the entire area was surrounded by hopefuls attempting to get a look at the acclaimed couple. People literally left shops and restaurants just to get a look. Mothers called friends and family on their cell phones to lure them into town to play "Where's Brangelina?" As we walked on, my friend and I were approached by a man in a convertible talking excitedly on his iPhone. As he turned a corner at a good 40 mph, he screeched to a halt at the curb, asked "Have you seen Brad and Angelina?!" and drove off in frenzy as we told him we had not. A week later I was informed that a high school acquaintance had tipped off People, or OK, or one of those typical tabloids, providing it with information about Brad and Angelina in exchange for a lousy $2000. How low can you go Long Island?
It's not the fact that people getting excited over celebrities that is bothersome. I understand; they're beautiful people who many aspire to be like. What bothers me is that people allow their entire realities to become twisted by the presence of over-publicized, yet perfectly average people. Such is the case with Long Island, hence the storm of text messages, trashy magazine articles, sell-outs and crowds of Brangelina-obsessed zombies. For whatever reason, indirect contact with these two beings has turned Long Island into Bedlam.
I can't say whether or not the mayhem is intensified by Long Island culture; maybe it's the affluence that makes many Long Islanders feel entitled to schmoozing with the "beautiful people", or maybe it's our close proximity to the most well-known city in the world that makes us feel like it is somehow in our destinies to brush shoulders with fame. Honestly, though, it would probably be the same anywhere else as it is here, maybe even worse. It's just a wonder to me how a glimpse of the beautiful people has made my home seem so ugly.